Lost in a Memory

I feel lost in a memory and, for someone like me, that’s the worst place to be. I have to keep reminding myself of this, what I wrote so long ago. The fact that I have to hurts me in so many ways. These memories (and flashbacks) are teleportation devices, sending me back to the…

A Letter to Panic Attacks and Anxiety

Dear Anxiety and PTSD-induced Panic Attacks, I hate you. No, I loathe you. You are the bane of my existence and the reason I can’t enjoy the things that once brought me peace and happiness like God or writing or reading. Yes, even reading (don’t ask, just know that it is horrendous). You make me…

Viewing God Through the Lens of Trauma

Earlier today, I read through my friend Michael Patton’s post “On Leaving My First Love” and found similarities between where he was years ago and where I find myself now. In it, he speaks of his life’s difficulties, arguing with God, and finally coming to a place of surrender. I am somewhere between pulling myself…

An Honest Conversation about Suicide

I did not want to write this, but it needed to be said. This is hard for me. Please give me grace. An Honest and Vulnerable Prayer God, please, if You are, at all, merciful like they say You are, like I know You to be, please kill me. Please. I will never ask for…

Reblog: 7 Things NOT to Say to a Depressed Christian

Dear Lovelies, I recently read a blog by Michael Patton over at Parchment and Pen (part of CredoHouse Ministries) and, with his permission, I’m reblogging because his words ring true and need to be heard not just by me but others as well. Handling a Depressed Christian As many of you know, I’ve been through…

Hanging in the Balance

I woke up this morning thinking about ways to die by suicide. But before I opened my laptop to research flights to the Golden Gate Bridge, I thought about last night. I thought about the NF jam session I had with my friend on the way to mid-week service. I thought about our conversation concerning…

Reasons to Stay (During the Nights when Depression Makes You Want to Quit)

I think God would be sad if you came home early. There’s ice cream still in the freezer. You haven’t learned/mastered that Chicken Marsala recipe yet. You still haven’t written your book yet (think of your characters!). You wouldn’t want to miss the next Hamildrop, would you? There are still past and future musicals to…

6 Reasons for Midnight Tears

I’m sitting on my bed, crying because all the floors in my parents’ house are tile, which is a problem because I want to sit and be as small as possible but I can’t because tile hurts differently than carpet. I’m crying because this is the second, no, third anxiety attack I’ve had in a…

On the Rare Mornings I Feel Too Much

On the rare mornings I feel too much, my heart slams itself against my trachea and the world nestles hard on my esophagus. It is not unlike a hummingbird flinging itself against a still, sharp, rain-washed window. On the rare mornings I feel too much, my breathing collapses upon itself, repeatedly, like someone squeezing my…